Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Just a quick note.

There will be no pictures in this post. I've been quiet for awhile and I feel those who read should know why. I really want this to be an upbeat blog for family updates and not a grief blog but my grief is part of who I am.

For some reason this holiday season is bringing more challenges this year for me. I miss my son. It's as simple as that. It's been 11 years and I still beg to know the answer to "Why?" Zachary would have been 17 on the 1st. He was short and little when I last held him. I know he would have grown to be a tall man and I would give anything to have him bend over to hug his short mom. I would give anything to hold him again. I want to buy a senior ring, I want to hear him argue with his brothers and sister. I want him to beg us to let him drive to school. I just want him here with me. I want desperately for his little brothers to know him in a way they never will with just pictures and stories.

I'm struggling, I'm struggling to get up in the morning and not to cry myself to sleep at night. This is by far the worst holiday season I have had since he died. I'm sorry if I cannot deal with your problems like I have in the past. Or if I come off rude or angry or unconcerned with you. I just cannot deal with anything more than what I already have on my plate. This is understanding for those of you who walked through Zach's loss with me but for my new family it's different I know. I'm always upbeat for the most part and I know I'm strong.  Just not always and not right now. I am sorry if I've hurt any feelings or made you feel unloved.

I usually save all the sad dead kid stuff for my mom and my cousin Misty. But it's bleeding over to my everyday functions and I can no longer hide it. Just bear with me, it's a season and I'll be out of it soon.

I miss you my sweet baby Zachary.