Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Just a quick note.

There will be no pictures in this post. I've been quiet for awhile and I feel those who read should know why. I really want this to be an upbeat blog for family updates and not a grief blog but my grief is part of who I am.

For some reason this holiday season is bringing more challenges this year for me. I miss my son. It's as simple as that. It's been 11 years and I still beg to know the answer to "Why?" Zachary would have been 17 on the 1st. He was short and little when I last held him. I know he would have grown to be a tall man and I would give anything to have him bend over to hug his short mom. I would give anything to hold him again. I want to buy a senior ring, I want to hear him argue with his brothers and sister. I want him to beg us to let him drive to school. I just want him here with me. I want desperately for his little brothers to know him in a way they never will with just pictures and stories.

I'm struggling, I'm struggling to get up in the morning and not to cry myself to sleep at night. This is by far the worst holiday season I have had since he died. I'm sorry if I cannot deal with your problems like I have in the past. Or if I come off rude or angry or unconcerned with you. I just cannot deal with anything more than what I already have on my plate. This is understanding for those of you who walked through Zach's loss with me but for my new family it's different I know. I'm always upbeat for the most part and I know I'm strong.  Just not always and not right now. I am sorry if I've hurt any feelings or made you feel unloved.

I usually save all the sad dead kid stuff for my mom and my cousin Misty. But it's bleeding over to my everyday functions and I can no longer hide it. Just bear with me, it's a season and I'll be out of it soon.

I miss you my sweet baby Zachary.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Catching Up.

These past few weeks have beens so busy they seem to have flown by.  I'll start with MOPS. We started our meetings back last month and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's amazing what a little fellowship with people who completely understand your burdens and blessings can do for you. Sometimes it's overwhelming raising childern. In my case it's an odd mix of both ends of the spectrum. At one end I have a beautiful girl on the edge of womanhood and a tiny toddler learning his little signs and what "No" means.  It's such a beautiful experience. However, it can be a draining one all at the same time.  I once saw a handmade sign at a country fair that showed a picture of a hen with her chicks running behind her and said "Please God give me the patience to put up with all of my blessings". I need that sign!

My MOPS group is a beautiful mix of women from all walks of life with one thing in common. Needing patience for those little blessings! It's so nice to be able to lean on these ladies when you need it most. My husband is a rock don't get me wrong; but, I long to be able to vent to a woman who knows EXACTLY how it feels to be embarrased at Wal-Mart because a fight over sitting in the cart leads to toddler melt down. Sorry Kev, but you are Dad, and for some reason Dad's don't get worked up about these things like Mom seems too! Thank God for my MOPS moms!

Lennon has learned a new trick.

Mom, Dad, Ryan and Rebecca came in this weekend. So much fun. I miss them all so much. I really wish Mom and Dad would move here so we'd have them all to ourselves. I also really wish I could be closer to my brother and his simply amazing wife. I love her and I love her for loving my brother. He's a lucky man!

It was Dad's birthday so we celebrated with a pitiful looking, yet very yummy cake!

Ha! Certainly can't tell I can decorate cakes with this one!  Oh well.

We took everyone down to the Wooden Boat Festival. It was a ton of fun. Here's Rhys at the Captain's Wheel.   Then we came home so Mom and Dad could snuggle with the little one. They are obviously not enjoying it.
 They left yesterday and I miss them so much :(

Next time I'll update you on all the crafts Lennon monster and I have been doing!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Falling Behind .....

Last week was a very busy week for me. This will explain my silence here.  On Wednesday of last week Lennon started his first day of Mother's Day Out.  I wasn't sure how this was going to go. Lennon is the most clingy out of all of my kids. I'm assuming this is because I have only stayed home with him. This is the reason we chose to send him to MDO.

I was really questioning sending him but I'm glad I decided to. He had a rocky start but a nice finish!
On our way after a fight to get into the car seat.  He's already not too sure about this MDO thing.  When I took him into his room he was fine. I was holding him and chatting with his sweet teacher Ms. Colleen when he noticed other parents dropping off and leaving.  I looked at him and he was quietly crying, it didn't bother me at all, I felt the tears coming!  So I handed him to Colleen and high tailed it out of there!

I felt horrible for the rest of the day.

When I got home I was shocked that I didn't know what to do with myself.  This will be resolved shortly. I am not going to be one of those mom's who's entire identity is her children. As much as I love them. I'm first Traci, then Kevin's wife and then....Mom!  So I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I already have it mapped out.  However, once I realized this feeling I was experiencing I ran out to get my toes done.  They are a brilliant shade of "Commander in Chic"!

He survived his first day!

The rest of the week I spent taking care of big kid needs. Dylan played the halftime show at SELU. Canaan had numerous Tri-Theta things happening and Dad took the other little guy to the LSU game with Mimi and Pawpaw.  Oh and MHS won Friday night! Go SKIPPERS!

I'll leave you with this sweet face!
Have a good week!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Big Birthday's and TS Lee

This weekend began with TS Lee. It was just a rain maker and some wind. Not really a big deal for around here. It was also the first game of high school football season. GO SKIPPERS! 

Dylan is in the band and that makes me a band booster. So Friday I was at this game working the concession stand in the pouring rain. It was surreal with the rain coming in sideways and kids playing soccer in the side yard. I honestly haven't had that much fun in a long time!  It was a muddy mess, and great fun.  The band did play but in modified fashion. Dylan didn't play because he plays the sax and they don't let woodwinds play in the rain.

Oh and we kicked major booty! Skippers won 19-16. Ok not major booty but's a (w).

Satuarday was sweet Canaan's 18th birthday. I cannot believe she's 18. She used to be such a sweet little girl with a bow the size of her head. Now she's a beautiful young woman just months from being on her own. I know this is cliche but it really did fly by. The older I get I realize cliche's are cliche for a reason they are always true.

The morning started out with gifts!  We got her a snazzy pair of rain boots and her very first piece of Tiffany jewlery. A beautiful silver beaded bracelet. She loved it!

The birthday celebration was a High Tea at a local Tea house.  Unfortunately it fell apart before we left due to the weather. The originial guest list was changed several times and she got stuck with her good friend and the boys and I! Poor kid! She's a trooper though and still managed to have a great time. 

The boys also had a great time. I was actually shocked at this. I knew Rhys wouldn't mind. He's a go with the flow kind of kid. Dylan though surprised me! He was a gentleman and a good sport!

Sunday was full of more rain and wind. The weather was the kind that made you want to sleep all day. This is hard to do with four kids though so Kevin and I went down to the lake front to see the flooded streets. It was also a good time watching all the daredevils skip the huge waves and tempt the angry lake.

This picture was taken about a block and a half away from Lakeshore dr. The people you see in the middle of the photo are nearly waist deep and in the street. Craziness!

We are glad to see Lee gone and hope he was all the excitement we will see this season!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Busy Bees

Monday we had open house at our church where Lennon's Mother's Day Out will be. We discussed all the details, saw his room and met his teachers. It breaks my heart he's growning so fast. I don't know if it's the fact he's my baby and the caboose or what; but, it certainly seems he's growing faster than the others did. Makes a momma sad :(

Monday also was the day we put the command center project into motion. I love it!  Lately I've been on finding all this inspiration for crafts and decorating. I've actually become quite obsessed with this site. The command center is the third thing in the past several days I've done from that site. It should be mentioned here that I'm the least crafty person I know.  I can cook anything your heart desires but modge podge and craft paper baffle me!

This project was taken from a Pottery Barn idea. I bought the materials at Hobby Lobby. It was way cheaper and is still way cute!  This is our finished project!
Perfect in the mudroom!

Tuesday Lennon and I went to the park and then the splash pad. The child is fearless so we didn't spend much time at the park. He kept making me nervous on the slides. He loves making me nervous!
The splash pad was a ton of fun. A friend recommended it and said it was her favorite so off we went!  He wasn't quite sure what he thought of it at first.

He finally warmed up and met some friends. The shyness gave way to giggles!

We had a good time! Definitely will go back although next time we will have lunch, friends and bug repellent!

The sure sign of a great day!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Weekend Recap.

This is my first official post so bear with me. I know this will get better as I go on. I just hope you know that too! I'm hoping this blog is full of those jaw dropping photos that everyone else seems to have on their blog but I just don't know.  As often as I take pictures of my kids you think they would be used to it or even pose for me. Ha!

I get this....

Lennon obviously would rather play with the camera than just smile pretty for his mother. *sigh*

Then there's this......

Dylan cooperating waaaayyyy to easy. Ha! The joke is on him though I know he didn't think I'd post this.  Just so you know this is his 'suck up to Mom...I love you" pose.  Yeah he's at the dorky teenage boy stage some never grow out of!

I am now learning how to upload photos from my camera and my phone onto the computer so as we go on I'll have more.  I made some Red Velvet Brownies with White Chocolate Buttercream I'd like to show and share so stay tuned. I'll do that soon!